Theoretically Speaking
by KissMeDeadlyT-T
Summary: "Of course I wouldn't /actually/ do /that/ with Mustang," Ed responded, rolling his eyes. "But theoretically? Totally." -In which Mustang's staff bets on who would top who in bed and Edward smugly agrees, theoretically, of course. Because Ed would never /actually/ sleep with Roy. That was just ludicrous. -Rated for sexual theme, language, implied denial and indirect EdRoy.


**KissMeDeadlyT-T: Boredom has me in its nasty, gnarled clutches and has cast a spell on me that causes me to write oneshots at an alarming and probably unhealthy rate. Oh well. At least I can honestly say I'm contributing hugely to the RoyEd community because I have at least… at **_**least**_** 35 RoyEd fics up on here. 26 of them being random drabbles and oneshots in a series. Woot for having too much spare time!**

**I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters but dang I wish I had me a sassy Edward Elric. This is set post-Brotherhood so there might be some little spoilers if people haven't read the entire manga.**

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It was extremely dull in the office today. There was nothing new to report, no escaped convicts, and now that Scar had decided to join them, the higher-ups had no reason to whine about the safety of their precious State Alchemists. Whatever did happen proved to be too small for it to concern any of the staff currently yawning and sifting through papers in General Mustang's staff office— petty robberies, muggings, small crimes that the city police took care of in an instant. The room was quiet except for the odd murmur between staff members and the indiscernible sound of two bickering voices coming from behind the closed wooden doors on the far side of the room. Each and every one of them— Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fuery, and even Alphonse, who was waiting patiently for his brother to finish his meeting with his commander— were nearly bored to tears and the fact that it was a hot, muggy and humid day today did nothing except try their already paper-thin patience even more.

Finally, Havoc broke the silence. "Alright, I'm about to start eating my own hand if something doesn't happen." He leaned back in his wheelchair, which he still had to use sometimes even after the Philosopher's Stone had un-paralyzed him, and crossed his arms across his broad chest. "Someone tell Chief he needs to hire a Mariachi band or something to come play for us, because _damn_. I'm so bored."

Breda looked up from the papers scattered across his desk, as unkempt as the rest of it. "Somehow I doubt he'd agree to that," he said dryly as he picked half-assedly at the salad nestled amongst the clutter. He'd decided to start eating healthier lately but it didn't seem like he was too happy about it, and it didn't look like it was helping his boredom situation either. From the desk across from him, Fuery gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Are you sure you don't want my chocolate bar?" he asked anxiously. "I don't want it, really. And you look like you might cry."

"No thanks," Breda murmured. "Gotta lose some weight."

"Just a couple squares of chocolate couldn't hurt," Alphonse put in. Breda sighed.

"It probably wouldn't, but I'm trying to exert some self-control here." Then he raised an eyebrow as an idea occurred to him. "Say, why don't we have a bet?" he asked the lot. "It can distract us from our boredom and me from how tear-inducingly bland this salad is."

"A bet on what?" Falman queried, looking at them all with his squinty eyes. Breda shrugged.

"Dunno. I could use some money though." He grinned. "So?"

"I'm in," said Havoc, grinning widely as well. "I've got some change to spare, but it wouldn't hurt to have extra."

"Or we could work," Hawkeye suggested, but she didn't sound too happy about it and even she looked somewhat curious about a bet. Breda rolled his eyes heavenward.

"Major, you're a lovely person and I respect you and you're my friend and all, but you need to chill out sometimes."

"I do, for your information. I just find it inappropriate to do so during work hours." She released a heavy sigh. "I can't deny that I'm bored to death, though. Fine." She swept an even claret gaze over the group. "I'm in, but I'm not putting in any money."

"Me too," said Al quietly. "I don't have any money with me, though."

"That doesn't matter," Havoc said with a wave of his hand. "Vato? Kain?"

Falman and Fuery shared a look, then shrugged. "Alright," Falman said. "We're in."

"But what are we betting on?" Fuery added. "I'd like to know before I decide to bet any money."

It was silent for another moment and they could hear Mustang and Edward bickering about whatever it was they bickered about. Eventually, a large smirk broke out on Havoc's face, gaining the attention of his co-workers, who all turned to look at him curiously. "I've got something," he said in response to their questioning gazes. "A hundred Cenz says Mustang would top Edward in bed." He tossed his money into the center of their desks and his grin widened at the various looks he received.

Alphonse looked appalled. "_What_?"

"You're on!" Breda said immediately, not missing a beat. He pitched his money next to Havoc's. "Fullmetal's small, but he's got major attitude. There's no _way_ he'd bend over and take it from _anyone_, much less the General." Al looked absolutely awkward as he stared between them, but neither seemed to notice.

"Uh…"

"I'm in, but I'm with Jean," said Falman after a moment of staring at them. He raised his eyebrows and threw in his own money. "Ed may have attitude but Mustang is at least a foot taller. Plus, he's got way more experience. Ed wouldn't stand a chance against him."

"Hey," Al protested weakly. "I don't think—"

"No way, man. Ed tops all the way." Breda's grin broadened on his chubby face and he rubbed the tip of his nose confidently. "He might be pretty— hell, he's so pretty I kinda thought he was a girl the first time I saw him, but please don't tell him that because I enjoy living— but he isn't weak. Not that females are weak," he added hastily when Hawkeye gave him a sharp look. "I was just talking about the stereotype that women are supposed to be the weaker gender, not that it's true, I mean— Anyway," he stopped before he could dig himself further into the shithole he'd apparently gotten himself into, "he wouldn't be the fucked. Let's be honest. He'd bend Mustang over and—"

"_Heymans_," Hawkeye interrupted shortly, giving him a reproving look. "Don't be so crude."

"Sorry," he said with a grimace.

Fuery gave a small laugh and put in some money too. "Well… I agree with Breda. Ed's too much of a brat to submit. We already know that. It's been almost a decade and he still doesn't listen or follow orders."

"He's too stubborn," Al reluctantly agreed. "Can we not talk about my brother having sex with Mustang? Please?"

"Oh come on, Al!" Havoc laughed, grinning widely at the youngest Elric whose face resembled a tomato. "It's just theoretical. It wouldn't actually _happen_."

"Still…"

"You know what else would probably happen?" Breda put in flippantly. "They'd just fight about it and get nowhere." He began making an imitation of how that would go down, and Al groaned, hiding his face behind his hands. Hawkeye heaved a sigh (again).

"You're all going to get fired if you don't shut up."

"You're all gonna get punched if you don't shut up," Al muttered.

"Well, Major?" Falman said expectantly to Hawkeye. "What do you think?"

Hawkeye pursed her lips, seemed to debate between responding or ignoring for a moment, then eventually admitted, "Edward would probably dominate. The General has a hard enough time controlling him as it is— I can't imagine he'd be any more successful while trying to reason with his…" she cleared her throat and quietly finished, "other head."

She said it so calmly and seriously that everyone burst into laughter, even Al, who looked like he was choking on embarrassment and awkwardness. Her level stare earned another round of snickers, and when she deadpanned, "What's so funny?" it started all over again. It wasn't every day you got to hear someone so calm say something so absurd. Finally, Breda managed to get out, "That was the best thing I heard all day."

"I'd love to be able to say the same," came a weak voice from the other side of the room. All laughter immediately stopped and all eyes snapped to the source of the voice, only to see a bright red, wide-eyed Edward Elric staring at them all in horror and confusion and plain awkwardness.

"Oh," Havoc said, laughing nervously. "Hey, Ed."

"Hi," Ed said shortly, crossing his arms in a explain-yourselves-immediately-or-your-death-shall -be-slow-and-painful kind of way.

"How long were you standing there?" Breda asked sheepishly.

"Long enough." Ed paused for a moment, then added, "Long enough to know that you guys think I could dominate Mustang." His eyebrows raised and a smirk curved his lips. He was still bright red but he seemed to have something else in mind now. He turned and opened the doors to Roy's private office and called, "Hey, bastard. Four outta six say I bend you over and fuck you."

"Ed!" Breda whispered, horrified, as the rest of the staff (except for Hawkeye, who just shook her head and went back to sorting paperwork) gave Ed equally dismayed looks. "He's gonna kill us!"

Ed scowled. "Be happy _I_ don't kill you."

When Roy walked out of his office and stared between all of his men, he looked absolutely appalled. "What the hell?" His eyes narrowed and he glowered as he swept his gaze across the lot of them. "First of all, why would you be discussing such a thing? And second of all, there is no way in _hell_ Edward would be able to dominate me. Not that the situation would ever arise for anyone to find out."

Havoc looked nervous. "Breda started it."

"What?" Breda squawked. "No I didn't!"

"You said we should make a bet!"

"_You_ said Mustang would top Ed! You came up with the idea!"

"I don't care who started it," Mustang stated coolly. "What I care about is why you thought it was appropriate. It's highly unlikely such a thing would ever happen. Not to mention illegal."

"Hey," Falman said suddenly, successfully stopping Breda and Havoc's squabbling, "you said it's highly unlikely, which, if you think about, means there _is_ still a possibility…"

"Shut up," Roy said sharply. "I didn't mean it like that."

Ed looked smug standing next to him. He shot the flustered general a sideways grin. "I could totally top you."

"That implies that you—"

"I'm not implying I want to. I'm just saying, I could. Theoretically. If I wanted to. Which I don't, by the way."

"Like hell," Roy said flatly. His eyebrow twitched. "I wouldn't allow myself to be dominated by the link between human and shrimp, kid."

"Excuse me?" Ed growled. "Take that back, or I'll have to fucking prove I could dominate you by kicking your ass."

"I'd like to see you _try_." His eyes narrowed and his fingers twitched, like he was itching to beat some sense into Ed (which, at this point, he probably was), but something caught his eye. His stare snapped to where Fuery and Breda were trying to stealthily split the money won into half. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" Then he looked enraged. "Hold on, you bet _money_ on it? What did you two bet?"

Ed grinned and looked haughtier than ever. "They bet that I could dominate you. Along with Alphonse and Hawkeye." His grin widened until it was a bit terrifying and probably the most shit-eating one Roy had ever seen on the younger soldier.

Roy sputtered for a moment, looking between the so-called traitors (who very carefully avoided the stare and whistled random tunes) with something like horror. "Like hell!" he finally got out. "Why do you two think you won? Hell, why do so many people think this shrimp can dominate me? Even if it was _real_ Edward is my subordinate and he's younger and there is no _way_ I'd allow him to—"

"Please, Mustang," Ed batted his eyelashes in a teasingly flirtatious manner, "do I ever listen to you anyway?"

Roy looked like he might blow a brain gasket. His face was also quite red, which Ed enjoyed, because it wasn't every day one got to see the ever ostentatious and stoic Roy Mustang so flustered and agitated. His grin expanded further when Roy finally managed to demand, "Why is this even a legitimate conversation?"

Ed shrugged. "It's fifty shades of illegal and hell, some people have a kink for that kinda shit."

Roy stared at him, unnerved. "You did not just make a reference to a BDSM erotica series."

"I definitely did."

"…What the hell!"

"Admit it, general," Breda said slyly. "You'd take it from Edward."

Al groaned in the background. "_Guys_. _Seriously._" Still, despite his discomfort, even he had to snicker when Roy's face reddened and the rest of the staff burst into giggles. Even Hawkeye had a smile on, but she hid that and ducked her head to pretend to shuffle through more papers. Ed looked particularly cocky and shot Roy another arrogant grin.

"You're blushing, _Roooyy_," he purred, his voice like honey. He batted his lashes again, making kissy faces at the general, who looked very close to knocking them all out and/or crashing through the nearest window.

"I am not!" Roy protested, gritting his teeth. "It's hot in here, in case you haven't noticed." He then swiftly turned his back to his staff and snapped, "Get back to work. There's no time to slack off." At that point he strode back into his office and shut the door firmly behind him, successfully shutting out the snickers and giggles from the chortling staff. As soon as he was gone, Ed turned to give them all a wry look.

"You guys are so mean to him. He's probably weeping over his shredded man-card right now."

"Well," Havoc shrugged carelessly, "I'd like to defend myself by saying that I was one of the ones who thought he'd top you. No offense," he said hastily. "Please don't kill me."

"You're off the hook, but only 'cause it's so funny to see him all embarrassed and stuff." Ed stretched his arms above his head and let out a long yawn before letting them fall limply at his sides and looking to Al. "I'm done here, do you want to go?"

Al, who had remained mostly silent for the most of the discussion because the idea of his brother having sex made him feel just a bit awkward since he really couldn't picture the snarky and socially inept person that was Ed having a sex life, finally got to his feet. "I've been ready for a while, trust me," he said, relieved.

"Great. We'll see you guys later." Before leaving, Ed popped his head back into the office and raised his eyebrows. "By the way, if I ever hear any of you talking about me having sex with Mustang ever again, theoretically or not, I'll reserve a special punch for each and every one of you. Except you, Major. I'm sure you'd sooner shoot me." He smiled brightly at the nervous looks he got in response to that. "Have a great day with General Grumpy." And with that, he shut the door and joined Al.

"God, I can't believe they'd bring something like that up," he muttered as they walked down the halls of the command centre. "Absolutely crazy."

"Yeah," Al said with a nervous laugh. "I tried to tell them to stop, but… well…" It was silent for a moment as they descended the stairs. "You know how they can get," he said finally. "I swear, I never wanted to think about you having sex. Ever. It's just not something I wanted to ever see in my mind. Now I'm a bit scarred."

"It's fine," Ed responded with a wave of his hand. "It's not like it'd ever happen for real, right?"

"I suppose not," Al murmured. They left the building and walked into the hot summer outdoors. Ed grimaced at the heat, but Al didn't mind it very much because he'd come to appreciate everything he felt after so many years of being without senses. It fell silent between the two as they took to the sidewalk leading away from Central command. Al noticed that Ed kept glancing back at the building sparingly with an almost guilty look on his face. The younger's eyebrows drew together.

"…Ed," he said eventually, giving his brother an uncertain look. Ed blinked and looked at him. Al opened his mouth then shut it immediately, unsure what he'd been wanting to say, before he finally blurted, "You wouldn't actually… you know… would you? I mean… I wouldn't care too much, since it's your life, but… uh…"

"Of course I wouldn't _actually_," Ed responded, rolling his eyes as if Al was completely insane, which he _was_, because there was no way he'd _really_ have sex with Mustang, ever. He caught sight of a person glowering at him through a third-story window and grinned, blowing a dramatic kiss to a very irate Mustang and laughing when he received two middle fingers and a mouthed threat in return. He turned back to Al with a wide smirk. "But theoretically? Totally."

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**KissMeDeadlyT-T: Well, that's that. I hope you all like it, and thanks for reading if you got this far. :) Leave a review if you'd like, because I eat those things like I eat peanut M&M's, which is a lot!**

**(And let's admit it, Edward, you would **_**totally**_** bang Roy, and I'm not speaking in theory here.)**


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